Limericks

Aug 1, 2020
Originally published on August 1, 2020 12:51 pm
Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank, but, first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the Contact Us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, head over to @WaitWait on Twitter or at @WaitWaitNPR on Instagram. You can check out the Wait Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with Bill and I asking you questions. It's just like this radio show. There's no audience there, either.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SARA HALPERT: Hi, this is Sara from Los Angeles.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in LA?

HALPERT: Oh, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there in LA when you're allowed to do it?

HALPERT: I am the museum manager at the International Printing Museum.

SAGAL: The International Printing Museum. Now, I like to think I know my museums, but I don't know that one. Is it just museums of, I assume, printing from around the world? What is it?

HALPERT: It's a little bit of everything. So yes, it's printing presses from around the world, old presses, newer presses. And we do art, but we often do history. And before I came to the museum, I had never even heard of it, either. So don't feel bad.

SAGAL: Really?

HALPERT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Have you become a fan of printing as you work at the museum?

HALPERT: Oh, 100%.

SAGAL: Oh, that's great.

JOSH GONDELMAN: You're not sick of it. You're like, if I have to look at another written word today...

HALPERT: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Sara, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each of them. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll a winner. Are you ready to play?

HALPERT: I am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Our fine drink made for times when you dine the distilleries take for their brine. Our French vineyards excess helps to slow COVID's mess. We make hand sanitizer from...

HALPERT: Wine.

SAGAL: Yes, wine.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: With tariffs and COVID, there's, of course, a surplus of French wines. So the French government is helping winemakers by turning their excess stock into hand sanitizer. It's great for those of you who miss a glass of wine at a fancy restaurant. Now you can enjoy rubbing that wine all over your hands after you visit a gas station bathroom.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: Does it come in flavors? Like, can I get - you now, can I try the merlot hand sanitizer, please? Or can I...

SAGAL: And the best part is if it comes and you don't like it, you can send it back.

GONDELMAN: They give you enough just to put on one thumb first. And then you'll like, that's good. I'll take the...

SAGAL: Terrible. And they charge you $12 for that. It's like, oh, my God, it's a little bit. It's the worst.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sara, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: We suspect bioterror misdeeds, but right now we don't have any leads. Please report without fail tiny packs in your mail. And don't plant any mystery...

HALPERT: Seeds.

SAGAL: Seeds, yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It's time for even more demon seed news.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Random seeds being sent from China have been showing up in people's mailboxes all around the country. The U.S. Department of Agriculture is strongly advising Americans to not plant them. They say they could be invasive species sent by China to destroy our crops. Or worse, you could suddenly start talking about gardening all the time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But who would plant random seeds you get from a stranger in the mail? Or in the words of one woman interviewed by reporters on the story, quote, "I already planted them."

(LAUGHTER)

HELEN HONG: I absolutely would plant them, Peter.

SAGAL: You really would.

HONG: Yes.

SAGAL: Let's see what this is. Maybe there'll be a beanstalk, and I can get the hell out of here at last.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: This is how bored people are these days - is that, like, whoever's doing this knew just when to strike - right? - because it's like, OK, they've been in their house. They'll do whatever. Like, you can - it's like if they sent a jigsaw puzzle. Most times in my life, I'd be like, no. But this month, I'd be like, yeah, OK, thank God someone's looking out for me.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: The seeds come in packages marked jewelry or electronics, and inside are these, like, round seeds. The USDA is currently testing the seeds in the lab, saying they could contain dangerous diseases or even biological weapons, while the White House insists they could definitely cure coronavirus.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Around 35 grand is the bid for a toy car that screeches and skids. Just trained on the potty, he drives a Bugatti. A replica built for my...

HALPERT: Kid.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

HONG: Yay.

SAGAL: Very good, Sarah. You got it.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Bugatti is releasing a brand-new luxury car just for children. The Bugatti baby, it starts at $35,000.

HONG: What?

SAGAL: Just in time for your kid's one-eighth-life crisis.

GONDELMAN: I like this because you see who gives them to - gives these to their children, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

GONDELMAN: And then you can point out those parents and go, that's why we can't all have health insurance because they have the money.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This beautiful, hand-built, electric toy car goes up to 42 miles per hour, which is...

HONG: What?

SAGAL: ...Faster than some full-sized Chryslers.

HONG: Wait. So what's the target age group that is - this is marketed for?

SAGAL: Well, like, you've seen kids drive these electric little cars around, right?

HONG: Yeah, and they're, like, 8 or 7 or even younger. Like 6, 7, 8.

SAGAL: Yeah, well, is this is that but much bigger. That's what's confusing. It's so powerful that it can only be marketed to teens. But, obviously, it's for children. It's a little weird. There are three versions of the car. One of them that maxes out at 12 miles an hour, another at 30. And the fastest model, at $65,000...

HONG: What?

SAGAL: ...Comes with this speed key that allows the car to go up to 42 miles per hour.

HONG: What?

SAGAL: Seriously.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I mean, also, it is real ballsy. It is, like, scrotum-frog-level ballsy to, like, release this product in the middle of a global economic downturn.

GONDELMAN: Well, that's - this is the first in a line of products, right? The first one is a Bugatti, and then the second one is a guillotine. And then...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sara do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, she did great. All three right. She'll probably buy that Bugatti.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Sara. Thank you so much.

HALPERT: Thanks.

SAGAL: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "FUN, FUN, FUN")

THE BEACH BOYS: (Singing) And with the radio blasting, goes cruising just as fast as she can now. And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her Daddy takes the T-bird away. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.